Where are the boundaries?

How much do you tell your friends about your intimate life? Invite them over for coffee and chat about the night before? About the details of a Saturday evening? Have you ever wondered whether to tell your friends or keep it to yourself? I was always in the last group regarding conversations over coffee. It was anything but that, no matter if the sex was good or bad.  

In my youth, it was understood that when a girl has a boyfriend, sex comes in a package. We never asked about the details. I was interested in them on the one hand, but on the other, I did not want to know. I tried to keep the person with whom I share weekly coffees and the way to school in my head as she was - sexually intact. I was even grateful for that later on. It also goes without saying that if I write a blog posting toy reviews, I must test them first. You don't have to be a mastermind to know how the vibrators are tested. But with friends, we never discussed details. It was just information with which you could weave your own story in your head if you needed it. Most people, however, never went to that "dark" corner in their heads.  

I visit this dark corner every once in a while. I mostly make up stories about strangers, but every now and then, my friends come along. I never consult them if my imagination creates the right pictures or story. I would put myself and them in a difficult position. Boys may not be afraid because they know how to turn it into a joke; therefore, talking about these things with them is more relaxed than with girlfriends. You could be crossing the line and might even secretly provoke some resentment.  

While browsing articles online, I am far from what people are supposed to be doing with my current mentality. Most sex therapists even advocate some of the benefits of talking about sex with friends, like the four women in Sex and the City did, but with respect for boundaries. Going in this direction should also normalize conversations about sex outside of the couple's bubble. Well, apparently, for something that seems self-evident, there are rules of behavior if you have that kind of relationship with friends. Among them, the main rule is to tell your partner what you will talk to friends about and ask their permission. Honestly, it would never occur to me to tell my partner about this. If I had a problem with him sexually, I would talk to him directly, but I would never ask permission to tell a friend about it over coffee. They probably won't even permit you to talk about sexual problems. They would probably say: "Go ahead", but only tell the good parts". So why should we ask permission?

The second rule is not to jump on a friend with details they don't want to hear. This is also my rule and assumption that it is better to keep some things, or in my world, everything related to sexuality, to yourself. Most people can correctly judge whether a friend is willing to listen to the details or whether talking about sex is something they avoid. A rule that no one mentions but seems essential is that you don't expect the same from a friend in return. I told you, you will tell me. But that happens a lot. We say too much, and when we become aware of a vulnerable situation, we want the other to do the same for us.

I never talked about my problems and fears about sex with my friends. Maybe I should. But even today, I still think I did the right thing that I didn't. Not because I was afraid that the information could be used against me if the friendship ended but because I was worried that I would feel alone in what I was saying. It seemed that my friends would not be willing to listen to my stories, nor would they relieve me of the troubles. Therefore, I was silent or learned to discuss my intimacy with those who are much more involved in it - with my partners.