Devastating breakups

Breakups that stab us in the heart and cause us endless pain - most of you get stung again just thinking about it. The patch on the wound comes off, no matter how old. Just like after the surgery, everything is healed; only the bad weather reminds us again of the anguish we experienced.  

I am someone who takes good care of my heart. I do not tolerate breakups well. Even if I am saved by the breakup and released from chains, my bad conscience does not give me peace. My first one was super easy; I did not complete any problematic tasks, and I did not sit with the guy and give unnecessary explanations. What could it be after the month of the relationship? I tried my best to get this guy, but it wasn't what I expected, so I just stopped answering the phone. I was lucky there were no mobile phones then, and the relationship was secret. All I had to do was stop answering the landline and not go out for a while other than school. A month passed, and the relationship was forgotten.  

The second one was the first to break me in half. I don't remember how the breakup happened very well, but I know it was much harder than the first time. At that time, my friends helped me as we had seen in movies. They took me out and let me get drunk, so drunk I could barely walk home. Everything was great until the following day. I was crying a little along the way home at night, and then there was the numbness that only alcohol brings to you. For the first time, I did not fall asleep in worry and a nagging feeling of tightness in my chest. But how shocking, the next day, it all came back. It was payback time. Tears poured down my cheeks while listening to the sad songs. Fortunately, I had a dog that made me go out three times a day. I was walking along the paths we walked together with my ex-boyfriend. Who knows? Maybe we'll meet again. At the same time, I was accompanied by the sad melody of my Discman.  

The hardest part was watching him at school, in the corridors, and reacting relaxed every time our eyes met. I don't even know when, but the pain slowly subsided. Gradually, I stopped looking for him outside and avoided running into him in school. I was relaxed with my friends again, and deep down, I swore that I never wanted to experience this again.  

But since the fool never makes a mistake only once and we repeat to ourselves that the next time the head will know how to handle it more maturely, we step into the step into dog shit again. Because of the initial feeling and the excellent ironing of the bed sheets, I was ready to forget myself. And I did it with distinction. The relationship lasted the longest until then, and I had known for six months that it would end miserably. Nevertheless, the breakup surprised me like a lightning bolt on a sunny day. Although it went as expected in my head, and the breakup was precisely what I wanted, my mouth was asking him to have mercy on me. It was lousy begging. Even my head suggested that I should shut up because I sounded really pathetic. But it was over. I was so shocked that I didn't even know how I got home.  

My whole body was in pain. In the following days, I believed he would find his way back. Every five minutes, I checked social media, photos, and messages that wouldn't load, despite I refreshed them every minute. I couldn't believe the phone was not beeping at all, but if it did, the sender wasn't right. I crashed into bed; I even ate lunch there. I only left it to go to the bathroom; I wasn't even in school for two weeks. I was shivering, and I felt that the world was ending. I was in my third year of high school, and my life turned into a complete nightmare for a year. I didn't even look at the bottom half of my body in the mirror, let alone touch myself down there.  

In college, things calmed down. I got my real lesson from the breakups, so I was careful and determined to protect myself much earlier and not drag myself to the last second, in which I would definitely humiliate myself. Everything was fine when the moment came again, identical to the one from high school. Where the hell did my head go? Shouldn't the person be as mature as you age and not more stupid? I managed to maintain my dignity, even though my tears poured down my cheeks on the first day. That was also the last time I experienced hysterical crying. I recovered faster than I thought and started searching for myself again.

Occasionally, the past still stabs me in the heart, but the memories are becoming increasingly faded. Nevertheless, they serve to put me on the right track when I lose my compass. I know that one day, I will pawn my heart again. I just hope that my head will make it easier to navigate the restless sea.