Food Porn

We eat food for comfort; food makes us happy. A good piece of meat, noodles with chili, or a bar of chocolate will take us back to good times, although maybe an hour later when we moan in the toilet, we already regret our decision. But can food also drive blood through our veins and put us in the mood for l’amour?

Love goes through your stomach - a sentence my grandmother repeated to me every time I visited her. I loved her till the moon and back, as she prepared everything I wanted - great Viennese or Parisian steaks, and for the grand finale, I got Kinder chocolate. Secretly, she put another package into my school bag when I was going home. I later realized that food has a whole bunch of hidden meanings. Dinner in a restaurant is foreplay for sex at home; we serve it to friends and relatives. I remember my parents bringing my uncle and aunt a box of handmade chocolates in the shape of all possible positions from the Kamasutra and pomegranates. Unfortunately, it was too late for them to realize that my aunt's husband belonged to the 'group of men with narcoleptic penises' due to prostate cancer. I will never forget the blush that flooded my parents and the rest of the family gathered in front of the Christmas tree. 

As an aphrodisiacs, we know not only pomegranate and chocolate, but also watermelon, asparagus, artichokes, hot chilies, figs, oysters, pistachios, saffron, maca, ginseng, ginkgo Biloba, horny goat weed, truffles ... I adore them. When their scent reaches my nostrils and their taste my mouth, I am in seven heavens but not in bed. A dinner like this had never driven me crazy for sex. Perhaps the second, more liquid aphrodisiac, alcohol, was to blame, although the two together should have double power. Two glasses of wine made me much more relaxed, and the truffles should be the cherry on top of the cake. Instead of a wet peach, I was hugged by a cotton sheet. 

Although today almost every other food is considered an aphrodisiac, and people should end up hugging or play with a toy after every meal, only a handful of these foods have been scientifically proven to boost your libido. Scientists have confirmed that 30 mg of saffron a day drives erectile dysfunction away in men who take antidepressants. The results were mixed in people who did not take antidepressants. Scientists confirmed red ginseng has similar effects.

Capsaicin in chilies sharpens our senses, while all foods rich in antioxidants speed up your blood flow. But, of course, oysters, chocolate, artichokes, asparagus, and a whole bunch of other foods are aphrodisiacs only on paper. Nonetheless, no one doubts our partner's intentions when he serves us champagne and strawberries dipped in chocolate. 

While I don't deny that food is an excellent introduction to sex, I need it only after a bed exercise. That's when I feel the most giant hole in my stomach, and I can clean the whole fridge. So I usually tackle leftovers from lunch at three in the morning or grab some chocolate and salami. If I find a bottle of wine somewhere and light a cigarette in the dark, I feel like a child visiting a grandmother - satisfied, tired and happy. 

Unfortunately, none of the above foods have impressed my peach yet. Not even my bladder, which was always full (I ate the bowl of watermelon before), and neither did I, as I was accumulating miles from bed to toilet and back instead of having a relaxed party in bed. The only one impressed was my stomach, especially after a glass or two of sparkling wine, which I usually take with me to bed.

For me, food rarely leads to bedtime pleasure. Instead, I prefer to enjoy it when I'm already pleasantly tired, and my peach is satisfied and is slowly shutting down.